It's not the Chocolates Fault
Wednesday, 11th June 2008
I was running out the office when I noticed the saying the guy had stuck against his wall: "I don't know what the key to success is, but I know the key to failure is trying to please everybody". Stop. Think. Scroll back up, read it again.
I don't think it is possible to please everybody. Especially those unhappy with themselves. No matter what you offer them they will always be discontent, because their internal conflict fuels their dissatisfaction and nothing becomes good enough or enjoyable to these people. I am not talking envy that is the green root of so many evils. I am referring to a general displeasure with everything and everyone.
During the course of the week as artist and performer you get bombarded with compliments but also with comments of criticism. One always has to consider from whom the comment comes from and for what purpose they are saying it. Somebody pointed out that only people below you can attempt to drag you down, its impossible for those above you. And those that help you up, you take along with you.
It is a sad thing that our society more readily hands out negative remarks than up building commentary. I don't know if they are inspired by the evening news... but what I do know that it is a bad attitude accompanied by a worse mindset. How many of us have memories of hurtful words spoken during early childhood that left scars and insecurities for life? Mean and spiteful words that so many carry with them and keep people from daring to be all they can be and reach their full potential.
It is said for every degrading thing some-one says to you; your brain needs to hear seven good things to cancel out that negative word that was spoken to you. The mind is indeed like a computer and what you say and what others say about you is what you program it with. As you think, so you are. What you think you will become and what you believe to be true will become true for you.
Proverbs 23:7 says "For as you think in your heart, so you are" and again in Proverbs 18:21 "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they that indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it.." Therefore it is SO important to tell some-one when you have a positive thought regarding them. To compliment the lady at work on her dress that makes her look fabulous, to express your thought to the colleague whose new ideas and creative mind you admire or the old lady at the flower shop with the deep blue eyes. To tell those people the good thoughts you have regarding them. To make their day. To give credit where it is due.
Handing out sunshine does not cost a thing and it is contagious like a smile. Compliments are supposed to be free and unconditional. Complimenting God on his handiwork and appreciating it is acceptable. In fact God says in Proverbs 3:27-28 "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act" (NIV) Therefore do not withhold a good word when it's in your power to give it.
I think of Jesus and His life on earth and even being perfect, he couldn't please everybody. He was God for goodness sake and still he had his fans and foes.
Every-one craves acceptance and recognition even tough we are all different we all have something worthy of praise. If you are one of those who says "well but what if he gets a big head if I compliment him huh?" I can only say to you: if you have to give a compliment for every bad word spoken during a lifetime you better bring on the compliments. Don't be stingy. To make up for others bad comments, you have a LOT of complimenting to do!!
A person that seems to be arrogant or proud is only compensating for the very insecurities you can help by complimenting them in anyway. But just to be safe make sure you are always sincere and without ulterior motives. Being hard and critical on ourselves can so easily become a habit that we so graciously extend to others. But being gentle on ourselves and patient with others can prove to be a virtue of great worth not only for ourselves but also for those who share our daily life.
Sure we all have preferences and tastes do differ. Some people have a great weakness for chocolate, others for biltong and others crave coffee like it is the breath of life they need to sustain their existence. Others can't stand coffee and think chocolate is just too rich (by the way I am praying for those people). But the truth of the matter is, every one has the right to differ in taste. Some will like chocolate, others will love it yet others will hate it. It is not the chocolates fault!
Just the same some people will like you, others will love you and yet some will inevitably hate you. And its not your fault!! You can only be the best you can be, by being all that God intended you to be. So next time some-one insults you for being chocolate instead of coffee remember... its not the chocolates fault!!
Willard F. Harley Jr. wrote in his book "The One" about his experience. He says "I was a psychology professor teaching graduate and undergraduate courses for ten years, and during that time I taught many different courses. But the one I enjoyed most teaching was Introduction to Psychology, because it offered me an opportunity to present my discipline as the sumptuous buffet of fascinating topics that it is. During each class, I provided a demonstration to illustrate some aspect of the days topic. And one day I offered the "beauty contest." A female volunteer was the judge, and five male volunteers were the contestants.
The judge was connected to electrodes, and I measured her galvanic skin response (GSR), which was the change in her skin resistance to electrical current. You see, whenever any of us has an emotional reaction, it can be measured in our skin resistance, which becomes lower. Then as we recover our composure, our skin resistance rises again. In my beauty contest, I wanted to know which of our five contestants would give our judge the biggest and most consistent emotional buzz. In other words, which one would she find the most emotionally attractive? One way to discover the answer was to measure her GSR for each contestant.
Each of the five male volunteers stood in front of the judge for about thirty seconds. He was not to say or do anything. The meter that measured her skin resistance was visible to the class, and they recorded the change, but they were not to react to the measurement. Then our female judge would have only thirty seconds to recover before the next contestant would have the chance to impress her. We went through the process three times, changing the order of appearance each time. After the contest was over, the class had the opportunity to ask the judge whether her change in skin resistance was a true indicator to her attraction to the winner.
Every time I offered this demonstration, the judge would admit that the contest winner was indeed the one she liked the most. After the contest was over I suggested that the winner take the judge out on a date at least once, because we had witnessed scientific evidence for "chemistry". What I did find was that the winner for every judge tends to be different for another judge. And the level of reaction would be different. One man would elicit no reaction at all for one of the judges but would cause the needle to go off the meter for another. My beauty contest demonstrated a phenomenon that we all know to be true - some people find us more attractive than others. It also demonstrated something most of us know - beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What is ho-hum to one person is wow! to another.
With these instincts in mind, I've found it useful to classify all humanity into four groups: the Lovers, the Likers, the Disikers and the Haters. The lovers are those who like just about everything there is about you. They like the way you look, the way you talk, the way you think, and the way you react to things. And the more they get to know you the more attracted they tend to become. Likers are also attracted to you, but they notice a few flies in the ointment. If they think it is rude to be critical, you may never know about their negative reactions. But if they are honest their occasional suggestions for your improvement will slip out.
If you have spoken to anyone who tends to be very critical of you, you are probably talking to a Disliker. These people find most of what you are and do to be substandard, but they are charitable enough to give you a chance to meet their standards. It is very difficult for theses people to avoid being judgmental, because so much what you do irritates them.
Then there are the Haters. These are the people who don't like anything about you. From their perspective, you are hopelessly unappealing. You rarely hear any criticism from this group because they cannot stand to be around you long enough to criticize you. Besides, from their perspective there is nothing you can do to redeem yourself.
Of course your Lovers, Likers, Dislikers, and Haters are different from mine. Each of us has our own unique grouping of all humanity because people react to each one of us differently. My experience as professor brought me face to face with some of my Lovers, Likers, Dislikers and Haters. I had a captive audience and I asked them to anonymously critique my teaching. Some students thought I was their best teacher and others gave me an above average rating. But some thought I needed to improve a great deal to meet their standards, and a few thought I should give up teaching entirely and get into some other career where I wouldn't annoy so many people.
What intrigued me about these evaluations was that I was doing the same things when I was with all four types of students. But they reacted differently. I was perfectly suited to teach some of these students, while for some I was their worst nightmare. The more people I get to know, the more impressed I am with how some are meant to be with others. Those I find delightful are often considered boring by others I know. And those I find downright disgusting have friends who find them entertaining.
This insight has made me very reluctant to try to change people's tastes or their preferences. After all, what right do I have to tell people what they should like, when there are thousands of people who will like the very things I dislike?"
Jip some serious deep words by Harley that provides some food for thought. If you have read this and enjoyed it - join the club. If you found it intensely boring and it didn't make you think at all - good for you - that's your right I guess. But to all my Lovers and Likers out there that enjoys the music, support the cause and like reading this blog. I just want to say: you are special to me; I appreciate you and thank you for just being the most amazing bunch of people I know. You guys rock!!!
You are definitely my chocolate. ;)